Wedding Tips for Managing Your Estranged Family

Okay, Loverlies, we have a bit of a serious topic for you today. But unfortunately, it’s something that’s more common than we like to think and something that really rarely gets talked about.

Weddings are a time of celebration and of coming together to celebrate love, but traditionally, weddings are also a lot about family. There’s no doubt about it, no matter how much you love them, all families can be complicated, but some families are definitely more complicated than others.

It can be incredibly challenging to face a day that is supposed to be about love and togetherness when you aren’t on the best terms with your family, especially when so many wedding traditions are centered so closely around them. So we wanted to list out eight strategies to get you through your wedding day when you’re navigating some not-so-ideal family relationships and remind you that with your wedding day, you are starting a new family, one that is based on truly unconditional love. 

In through your nose, out through your mouth. This is a tried and true tactic for many high-emotion and high-tension moments, but the best part is that you can do it over and over again.

Your mom is condescending about how much money you spent on your dress? Deep breath. Your dad refuses to come unless he’s allowed to bring his new girlfriend who you’ve never met? Deep breath. Your grandmother invited 30 extra people and is telling you 3 weeks before the wedding? Deeeeeeeep breath.

A deep breath won’t fix the problems, but it gives you a quick chance to recover and to remember that their actions do not reflect on you, regardless of how much your family acts like they do.

There’s no doubt about it; saying “no” is way harder than saying “yes.” But it is an incredibly necessary step to take sometimes especially regarding an occasion as big as your wedding day.

Part of what makes saying “no” so hard is the inevitable reactions from family members when they don’t get their way. Try to remember that if they can’t support you and be happy for you and respect your decisions, it is not on you to make them.

However, this can be an incredibly painful experience, so don’t shy away from protecting yourself and having someone else have those difficult conversations for you. A member of your wedding party or even your spouse-to-be would (or at least should) be more than willing to stand up for you and help maintain some relationships by taking the heat from your side of the family.

One of the many ways that family life gets ingrained into wedding tradition is the typical split aisle setting arrangement in which you pick a side of the aisle to sit on based on who you are connected with.

To be completely honest, this feels like a tradition that we can all do without in general, but it’s an especially important consideration when you are worried about “your side” looking empty and your partner’s being full. It can be a difficult visual reminder if your partner has a good relationship with their family and you don’t, so think about a different way to seat people. Luckily, it’s been a rising trend, in general, to sit wherever you like, so it won’t be a tell that something is different, in case you’re worried.

Plus, it saves you the trouble of assigning an usher!

Wow, weddings really seem to be all about where you’re sitting, don’t they?

Now that we’ve discussed seating for the actual ceremony, we have to consider reception seating as well. Table arrangements can be another stressor for those of us who have internal family drama and especially stressful when you are navigating that space with another family involved as well.

In order to avoid airing any dirty laundry or hurting anyone’s feelings, maybe try a “seat yourself” option at the reception as well. This way, no one can complain to you that they’re too far away from the bathroom or too close to the DJ, and (hopefully) those family members who don’t get along can separate themselves and keep the peace without adding another responsibility to your to-do list.

As we said earlier, weddings are full of traditions that involve specific family members, from Dad walking you down the aisle to the Mother-Son dance during the reception.

Talk to your partner and brainstorm ways that you can still include the traditions you care about without feeling overwhelmed or uncomfortable with the people involved. Maybe you decide you’re going to walk each other down the aisle or you’re going to share the first dance with each other but not family members. You might have to be a bit willing to compromise, as your partner may feel strongly about involving their family in some ways. However, it's important that they're equally respectful of your family struggles, as well. Be honest, be respectful, and we are sure that you can strike a balance that makes both of you happy. 

As important as communicating with your partner is during this time, make sure you include your inner circle in these worries and stresses as well. Even if they can’t help you fix or problem-solve around your problematic family members, having people present at your wedding that you feel safe and comfortable around is incredibly important, especially if not inviting your family isn’t an option.

Make sure your friends know that you might need a little extra love after conversations with family about the wedding and give them ample opportunity to help you through the tough times and, perhaps most importantly, help you have lots of fun. 

Now, this option isn’t for everyone, but if you really feel like you simply can’t navigate family politics on your wedding day, consider eloping! Eloping is perhaps the simplest way of ensuring you get to enjoy your wedding ceremony with only those that you truly trust and love and those that will make that moment incredibly special and full of love for you.

You may have to soothe some hurt feelings afterward, but at least you will have that day and moment perfectly preserved for just you and your spouse. Plus, you can always throw a celebratory party for friends and family later. 

Now, this by no means fixes all of the many painful interactions and memories that lead to having an estranged family, but remember: your wedding day is the start of a new family, one that you chose.

Your partner represents a whole bunch of new memories and new interactions that are full of love, respect, and care for each other. And maybe, if your partner has a good relationship with their family, you can gain members of a new family that way, too! Open yourself up to the love from others, take one more deep breath, and step into a world of a new family, one that loves you for you.