The Top 5 Signs Your Partner is NOT Ready for Marriage

If you’ve long envisioned yourself walking down that aisle and shouting, “I do!” then making sure you and bae are on the same page is crucial. Sure, in the beginning, dating is lighthearted and fun—and you certainly don’t need to run to the alter— but knowing that you’re at least headed in that direction together is going to save you a lot of sweat, stress, and tears. 

The easiest way to know if your partner is ready for marriage is to straight up ask them. Sometimes, though, words and actions don’t line up. If you’re getting mixed signals and just aren’t sure what to think, be on the lookout for these top signs your partner is just not there yet. 

If your partner is struggling to make semi-permanent commitments, such as moving in together, planning a future vacation, getting a pet, or making joint purchases, this could be a sign they’re avoiding a more concrete commitment. 

“If they won't make any permanent commitments with you, it sends a signal that they aren't ‘all in,’” says Rori Sassoon, a matchmaker and dating expert in Manhatten. “Marriage is the ultimate commitment, so you have to make sure you have smaller commitments before you take that big step. And if you have no commitments together yet, then it's a sign that perhaps your partner isn't ready for something like marriage.” 

To feel out your partner, she suggests hinting at taking the next step on a commitment. For example, you could broach the topic of moving in together or planning a vacation for three to six months out. If it’s something they seem open to, then this merits a deeper discussion and perhaps a little nudge into the right direction together. If they straight up say no or seem really hesitant, this also merits a deeper conversation and signals that you should proceed with caution.

OK, none of us truly love compromise, but for the greater good in a relationship, we realize that it’s important to meet in the middle.

“Compromise is a healthy part of all relationships, and refusal to engage in compromise is a sign of disrespect,” notes Jennie Marie Battistin, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) in Burbank. “Some people view compromise as a giving up what is important to them or being a doormat. Explore with your partner their past experiences with compromise either personally or as an observer.” 

In this case, it’s more a situation where your partner isn’t emotionally ready for a marriage. These signs are super important to look for, as well. If your partner seems open to working on this, that’s an excellent sign that will be ready down the road. Battistin emphasizes that compromise is an opportunity for both parties to discuss their core needs and that this sort of communication is the building block of a healthy marriage. 

Let’s say you go to a wedding together, or you’re watching a swoon-worthy rom-com, and you casually mention to your partner that you can’t wait for your own big day. Or maybe you ask them what they envision for their own wedding. If you’re met with awkward silence or an abrupt subject change, that’s a sign your partner is not comfortable with the topic. It could also mean that they’re not comfortable talking about that topic with you, specifically. 

“Think about it. When you are excited about something, all you want to do is talk about it! So, this could be a bad sign that your partner isn't ready for that next step,” says Sassoon. “I would directly ask them about your future, and if you envision ever getting married. It will save you a lot of grief and heartache if you figure out where they stand on the subject.”

Fighting is a totally normal part of any relationship. The key is to argue in a calm way where both parties feel heard and progress is made. Avoiding these kinds of conversations is a recipe for disaster in any relationship. For example, it can lead to built-up resentment, withdrawal, compounding frustrations, and in some cases might be a precursor to infidelity since neither partner feels connected. 

Examples of avoiding fights include quickly agreeing, not bringing up important issues, and stonewalling (not listening). 

“Take some time to explore what ‘fighting’ means to your partner,” suggests Battistin. “Ask about their experience of seeing other relationships fighting, especially as a child. Discuss the differences between assertiveness and confrontation.” She also recommends checking out the Gottman Aftermath of a Regrettable Incident guidelines to help both you and your partner understand healthy fighting. 

Being around couples who have taken the marriage plunge can get your partner to start thinking more realistically about making that commitment, as well. 

However, if you get the sense that your partner is only interested in proposing because it’s what everyone else has done in their life—versus doing the work it takes to get to that healthy mental place—that’s not ideal. This is called “sliding into marriage.”  

“In this case, they may be worried about losing you, but they may have no real understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work or the value of marriage,” says Battistin. “I love the 52 Questions Card Decks from the Gottman Institute to ask before getting married as a good resource to help identify values and dreams of what marriage represents to you and your partner.” 

Also, check out the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman to have a deeper understanding of how to have a successful marriage and to discover the importance of marriage.