The Myth of the Perfect Relationship Selfie — aka the "Relfie

We all know that what we see on social media might be falsified, altered, or fake, but often we don’t know to what extent. Recently a friend of mine set up a house with new furniture for the day so an influencer could post photos boasting about redecorating her home; just when you think you have heard it all, a new scenario appears. Faking reality might create a feeling of envy and FOMO for others, but it’s the relfie (the relationship selfie) that is of most concern.

We all know those couples. They post dedications to each other on birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, and any other day they can find an excuse to promote their relationship. Things might look perfect, they might look in love and you might see these posts and wonder why your relationship doesn’t look like that — why your partner hasn’t done a mushy post or organized some surprise romantic gesture, too.

Being a sexologist is like being the keeper of relationship secrets.

People don’t feel like you will judge them and that there is a safe space to tell you things they don’t tell others. I hear about struggles, arguments, resentment, sexual dissatisfaction, and even affairs. It’s often these same troubled couples that I see soon after taking to social media with a mushy post.

Just for a moment, let’s imagine what social media would look like if we posted what really goes on. Someone at home, dirty dishes in the sink, a bit of last night’s mascara under her eyes, trying to catch up on work whilst still wearing gym clothes even though the workout was finished over 5 hours ago. As for the relationship, that so-called perfect looking partner in posts is standing next to her rolling his eyes back in his head as she complains about the fact that he still can’t remember to put his dishes in the dishwasher even though she has asked him what feels like a million times before.

Does that sound more real? But you don’t see that in a relfie, just a so-called perfect looking in-love couple that makes others feel less about their own unions.

I’m not suggesting we share those photos when our life feels like a mess, but maybe we should consider sharing the ones that try and tell everyone our relationship is perfect. In order to challenge the relfie, it’s useful to look at the reasons why we do it. And the reasons are not dissimilar to why we post other so-called perfect pics online.

We want the external validation from others that what we are doing, saying, and wearing is ok. As humans, we always want some level of validation. We want the approval of others and social media might just be the modern way this is done. However, before social media existed, the validations we got for our relationships were only after coffees and catch-ups with family and friends. What happens when the need for validation becomes too much?

How often do you spend scrolling online? Maybe more than you would like to admit. The problem is this need for validation and the promotion of the so-called perfect relationship are pushed onto us much more than when it was just over coffee and drinks. You might have only been made to feel less about your relationships once or twice a week prior to social media being the norm. Perhaps you were envious about someone else’s so-called perfect partner when you bumped into them in person. Now it feels like we are continually in this cycle of comparing our lives to others and spending time making our love lives look perfect for posts.

Whilst validation is part of a human desire, a constant need for validation can be the thing to distract us from being present in our relationships and appreciating what’s there. It also has the ability to create a false level of normal for others that no one feels like they can really live up to. Relationships can be hard enough without continually being made to feel there is a level of perfection you can’t meet.

So, what do we do about it? It’s important to monitor how much time you spending scrolling online. It’s also important to consider who you follow. If you follow people who continually make you feel less about your life and your love, then why follow them?

Social media might be mostly a public platform, but what and who you are exposed to is also under your control. Every time you feel the need to promote your relationship online or someone’s post makes you feel less about your own life, stop and think of three things about your partner or your relationship that you are grateful for. It’s about making a break in the FOMO way of thinking and resetting your mind to appreciate what it is you have.

Just like my friend helped fake an entire redecoration of a house, many fake their blissful unions online, but it’s your life and your social media so you have a say in how much you consume others’ false projections. Instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing and how their relationships look, focus more on your own life and on the person or people you choose to live it with.