How to Make Your Wedding Day More Feminist

So you're getting married to this great person who respects all of your values, goals, and just you as a whole. You've found a partner who will support you, challenge you, and view you as an equal, not just treat you like one.

But now that you've found the one, you're left to figure out what the heck you're supposed to do about a wedding? Now, don't get us wrong; there's nothing inherently un-feminist about a wedding. But if you really take a look at traditional wedding culture, there are some pieces that don't look great for gender equality.

So what is an engaged feminist to do?

Some of you might just be thinking that you'd rather not get married at all or at least not participate in the wedding culture that you feel minimizes women and forces them to conform to a certain societal standard. And that's great! But there are some of us who fully believe in gender equality but still love the idea of putting on a big white dress and walking down the aisle.

So here are our thoughts on how you can make your wedding day more feminist.

Do a Bit of Soul-Searching

Step one of any wedding planning process should really be to evaluate what you truly want on your wedding day. As we said above, if you really find that a wedding (or at least a wedding in the traditional sense) doesn't sit right with you, you don't have to have one!

Make sure you really take time to figure out what you want—not what your partner, your family, your friends, or society as a whole expects you to do.

Then, once you feel like the time is right, clue in those who need to know how you're feeling—namely, your partner and any wedding planning official you may have already hired. Starting this process with clear boundaries and expectations in mind will provide a clearer pathway to success.

A simple conversation is a great opportunity to equalize another biased aspect of weddings: the planning itself. A wedding is about partnership and the planning should be as well. So make sure one partner isn't doing all of the work and that you figure out a system that allows you two to make decisions together.

Consider Nixxing Some Old-fashioned Wedding Must-haves

Like we said above, if you really look hard at wedding traditions, some of them just don't hold up in 2020. As one example, while it's all well and good to have your father walk you down the aisle, we have to consider that the idea of "giving your daughter away" is pretty problematic.

You are a full-grown person making this decision of your own free will, and you should celebrate that by potentially eliminating aspects of your wedding that you feel are too rooted in gender-biased practices to be saved.

This process might take a little bit of time and research; we can all always served to be educated better about the origins of traditions and what an act represented historically. For example, even the tradition of a white wedding dress was created to represent a woman's purity before marriage, mostly to show the world that she was still a virgin. Kind of creepy, right? Working towards a future of gender equality means educating yourself and others on why "tradition" isn't an excuse for historical oppression.

Rework the Traditions You Really Want to Honor

On the other hand, traditions are traditions for a reason, and you may not be totally ready to throw them all out. So instead, think about creative ways that you can rework certain parts of the ceremony to reflect you and your partner's values and mutual respect for each other.

In a lot of cases, changing traditions can actually create a more equal environment than eliminating them altogether, because you are demonstrating a clear awareness of the problem and taking concrete steps to eliminate it.

Some ideas on how to do this? Let's take the tradition of asking the bride's father for their blessing before marriage. While the history of this doesn't look the greatest—yet again, you don't need anyone's permission to get married and your happiness is certainly not contingent on your father's approval—it can also feel important to include your parents in this moment and demonstrate respect for family unity.

If you're not quite ready to get rid of this, think about making sure you complete this act with both sets of parents and phrase the conversation more as sharing the happiness you have found with your partner rather than simply asking for their approval. Also, this way, both sets of parents are involved and the partnership remains equal on who knows what when.

Do Whatever The Heck You Want!

Let's face it: we can't outline all the ways to make your wedding day more feminist because at the end of the day, the most feminist wedding is the one that celebrates you and your partner equally and in the exact way that you see fit. Sure, there are some great ideas on how to achieve that practically—for example, both parents splitting the cost of the wedding instead of the bride's family paying what is basically a modern-day dowry for the ceremony—but we hope you can read this and be inspired to truly do whatever is the most you.

You are the best judge of what makes you feel happy and comfortable, and those are two emotions that should definitely come on your wedding day. If you decide to elope at a courthouse, great, but if you decide to hold a 400-person wedding in a church, that's wonderful too.

Every wedding can be made feminist simply by valuing your opinion as a woman as much or more than what society expects you to want. You are still a feminist whether you are in a pantsuit or six-inch stilettos. So take this as your sign to do whatever the heck you want for your wedding day and to celebrate with joy your choice to get married.